Sunday, July 24, 2011
I don't mean this to turn into simply an adoption blog, but I have to get something off my chest. Today, I was looking through my Google news alerts, and I came across this article. I normally don't read article comments, knowing they're rife with vitriol and uneducated (or uncaring) attitudes. But I did for this article, and boy, did I regret it.
Most of the comments were directed at parents who choose to adopt internationally, saying that they shouldn't get tax credits and that their choice to adopt internationally must have something to do with a current Hollywood fad. Obviously, most of the commenters are not adoptive parents nor ever will be since their ignorance was shining through. So let me set something straight because I'd rather get angry here than in a face-to-face conversation with someone who really doesn't know the first thing about adoption.
Our kid is in South Korea. You really can't argue with that. We're doing what we feel compelled to do both by God and by our hearts. Adoption is an incredibly complicated process with more winding roads than you can imagine. It's emotional and heart-wrenching and beautiful and heartbreaking. No one comes to the decision to adopt lightly, and as I've said over and over, you can't "accidentally" adopt like you can "accidentally" get pregnant. And it is a decision, no matter how you choose to do it. It's a long and expensive process. A private domestic adoption is approximately the same cost (perhaps a little less) of completing an international adoption. OK, if that's the case, then why choose an international adoption?
We looked over our options. There's foster care, with the ultimate goal of placing the child back with his or her biological family. There are foster-to-adopt programs, but did we really want to go through the possibility of it falling through? A relative stepping forward and offering to adopt instead of us? The emotional upheaval would be tremendous. Domestic adoption, while an attractive option for some, is not a good fit for us. Most domestic adoptions are open adoptions these days, and while some families can handle that delicate situation with the care it needs, we are not prepared to go down that road. As first-time parents, the emotional complexities of those relationships seem too much for us at this point. Up until the child is born and the paperwork signed, the mother has the option to back out. Could we handle that? Could we really walk away from that child after preparing for his or her birth and making plans? Or, in those rare cases, what if the birth mother or birth father changed their minds at a later date and decided to fight to get their child back? And then there's the "marketing" aspect of a domestic adoption. Personally, at this point, I'm not comfortable with creating a profile book for a birth mother to look over, trying to decide based on photos and stories about us if we're the right parents for her child.
Then we looked to international adoption. Since we've always talked about adoption and sort of knew that might be where are lives would eventually end up, it felt like the natural choice. At the end of the process, we're almost guaranteed to bring a child home. There's still a waiting process, but the timelines are more stable. We know for sure what the costs will be. And—for better or for worse—there's no birth family to contend with, possibly revoking the decision to place the child for adoption at the last minute. The children available in Korea have already been relinquished; they're just waiting for their forever families.
I don't look down on anyone who chooses to form their family the way they see fit. I ask the same in return. No one has to live with our family decisions but us. It's hard enough to answer questions from well-meaning family members and friends and coworkers and acquaintances and... Be kind. Don't ask me in the checkout line how much my kid cost me. Don't try to connect our adoption to some political agenda. And please don't ask me to explain my choice to a stranger. Our family may not look the way you expect it to or even want it to, but that doesn't make it any less of a family.
Most of the comments were directed at parents who choose to adopt internationally, saying that they shouldn't get tax credits and that their choice to adopt internationally must have something to do with a current Hollywood fad. Obviously, most of the commenters are not adoptive parents nor ever will be since their ignorance was shining through. So let me set something straight because I'd rather get angry here than in a face-to-face conversation with someone who really doesn't know the first thing about adoption.
Our kid is in South Korea. You really can't argue with that. We're doing what we feel compelled to do both by God and by our hearts. Adoption is an incredibly complicated process with more winding roads than you can imagine. It's emotional and heart-wrenching and beautiful and heartbreaking. No one comes to the decision to adopt lightly, and as I've said over and over, you can't "accidentally" adopt like you can "accidentally" get pregnant. And it is a decision, no matter how you choose to do it. It's a long and expensive process. A private domestic adoption is approximately the same cost (perhaps a little less) of completing an international adoption. OK, if that's the case, then why choose an international adoption?
We looked over our options. There's foster care, with the ultimate goal of placing the child back with his or her biological family. There are foster-to-adopt programs, but did we really want to go through the possibility of it falling through? A relative stepping forward and offering to adopt instead of us? The emotional upheaval would be tremendous. Domestic adoption, while an attractive option for some, is not a good fit for us. Most domestic adoptions are open adoptions these days, and while some families can handle that delicate situation with the care it needs, we are not prepared to go down that road. As first-time parents, the emotional complexities of those relationships seem too much for us at this point. Up until the child is born and the paperwork signed, the mother has the option to back out. Could we handle that? Could we really walk away from that child after preparing for his or her birth and making plans? Or, in those rare cases, what if the birth mother or birth father changed their minds at a later date and decided to fight to get their child back? And then there's the "marketing" aspect of a domestic adoption. Personally, at this point, I'm not comfortable with creating a profile book for a birth mother to look over, trying to decide based on photos and stories about us if we're the right parents for her child.
Then we looked to international adoption. Since we've always talked about adoption and sort of knew that might be where are lives would eventually end up, it felt like the natural choice. At the end of the process, we're almost guaranteed to bring a child home. There's still a waiting process, but the timelines are more stable. We know for sure what the costs will be. And—for better or for worse—there's no birth family to contend with, possibly revoking the decision to place the child for adoption at the last minute. The children available in Korea have already been relinquished; they're just waiting for their forever families.
I don't look down on anyone who chooses to form their family the way they see fit. I ask the same in return. No one has to live with our family decisions but us. It's hard enough to answer questions from well-meaning family members and friends and coworkers and acquaintances and... Be kind. Don't ask me in the checkout line how much my kid cost me. Don't try to connect our adoption to some political agenda. And please don't ask me to explain my choice to a stranger. Our family may not look the way you expect it to or even want it to, but that doesn't make it any less of a family.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Image via WikipediaYeah, I have been. Life is busy and crazy lately, which means the blog is suffering. I'm sorry! I'll try to do better come fall.So now we're three weeks and one day from our Irish expedition. I have a housesitter/petsitter in place (thanks, Hayley!), and we've bought tickets for everything from a medieval banquet at Bunratty Castle to a Guinness Storehouse tour in Dublin. The euro is kicking the dollar's tail right now, so I'm buying tickets ahead of time to take advantage of the small but helpful discounts offered online. I'm feeling a little iffy about the castle banquet because we typically avoid cheesy tourist traps like the plague, but I've heard this one is pretty good, so we're gonna give it a try. We're spending most of our time in the southwest area of Ireland, and we're staying on the Dingle Peninsula, so we plan to do a lot of driving and get to know the area.
The end of summer and the close of our vacation also means something else. It's a marker in time. When all of this is over, we'll start our official paperwork for a Korean adoption. And if there was one of us in this marriage who would back out, it's likely me—not because I don't want kids but because the prospect of it terrifies me. I mean, am I even old enough to be a parent? What a ridiculous question, right? But yeah, that's a big one running through my head right now. My anxieties are all wrapped up in this process, and most of them seem to be formulating around the cost of it. We're looking at approximately $30,000 to finish the whole deal, and while I'm sure we can swing it, it's overwhelming. It's not like being pregnant and your health insurance covers the majority of the cost. Oh, no. This is a whole different ballgame, and my mind is reeling.
As for my writing, I'm still suffering a bit of writer's block, but once again, I've shifted focus to a new book, and it seems to be smoother sailing. This book is a historical, which tells me that perhaps I'm not cut out for contemporary writing after all. Historical romance is what I love and know, so maybe it's only a natural leap to write it as well. I haven't shut the door on writing contemporaries, but it won't be my focus. I'm going to focus on Caroline and Benjamin in Regency England and see where this path leads me. I should probably restart my query letters again, too, but after querying in the spring and not getting past a partial manuscript request, my flame sort of died out. I need to relight it.
There you have it! That's my crazy recap of life at the moment...and I can't believe we're already approaching the end of July. Crazy!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
We're officially halfway through the year, which means I am a little over a month away from traveling, traveling, traveling! Do you hear the call of the Emerald Isle? I sure do! Last night, Will made the observation that it's completely appropriate for us to live in a flight path. Ha ha, honey.
June flew by for us. We blinked, and the fireworks were going off for Independence Day. Not only is our trip starting soon, but this also means we'll be filing adoption paperwork soon. (Pardon me while I bite my nails with anxiety.) Financially, August/September works well for us to file the paperwork. But if one of us is more nervous than the other, it's definitely me. I'm the nerd, which means I am the one who worries more about money, looks at the numbers frequently, and generally drives myself nuts trying to figure out how something will turn out that only God knows the answer to. I'm also somewhat apprehensive about the idea of raising a little person, being mature enough to be a parent, and molding this little person into a productive member of society. Then again, what parent doesn't worry about screwing up their kid for life?
As far as writing goes, it's slow. I had hoped to be halfway finished with my new book by this point in the year, but I've been suffering a bit of writer's block. I sit down, write anywhere from 250–1,000 words, and then it dies. During my last book-writing frenzy, I could pump out as many as 6,000 words a day. I wonder if some of my writer's block isn't due to the million and one things going on in my head, but I am trying—even if it's only a couple of words on the page. It's something, right?
June flew by for us. We blinked, and the fireworks were going off for Independence Day. Not only is our trip starting soon, but this also means we'll be filing adoption paperwork soon. (Pardon me while I bite my nails with anxiety.) Financially, August/September works well for us to file the paperwork. But if one of us is more nervous than the other, it's definitely me. I'm the nerd, which means I am the one who worries more about money, looks at the numbers frequently, and generally drives myself nuts trying to figure out how something will turn out that only God knows the answer to. I'm also somewhat apprehensive about the idea of raising a little person, being mature enough to be a parent, and molding this little person into a productive member of society. Then again, what parent doesn't worry about screwing up their kid for life?
As far as writing goes, it's slow. I had hoped to be halfway finished with my new book by this point in the year, but I've been suffering a bit of writer's block. I sit down, write anywhere from 250–1,000 words, and then it dies. During my last book-writing frenzy, I could pump out as many as 6,000 words a day. I wonder if some of my writer's block isn't due to the million and one things going on in my head, but I am trying—even if it's only a couple of words on the page. It's something, right?
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